A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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