I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
