Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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