I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
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He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
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he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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