I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
