i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
