I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
