I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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