He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
