There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
