She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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