I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
