Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
