i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
