Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
