It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
