I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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