I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
