by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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