I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
