dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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