I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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