I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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