This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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