Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
