I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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