im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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