I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
