i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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