where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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