I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
