I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
