last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
