I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
