There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
