So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
