Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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