my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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