Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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