The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
