M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
