Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
