dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
