I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
