he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
FUCK WHALES
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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