So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
