i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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