Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
