I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
