Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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