You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
