Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize