i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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