just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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