i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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