a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
