Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
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She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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